Like it or not, people are making snap decisions about you all the time and oftentimes, they do it without even letting you speak. Quite frankly, you do the same thing to them which is why in this video, Valentine’s Day is coming so, we’re going to do three subtle things that you can do to be more attractive with your body language — nothing to do with what you’re saying. So I’m just gonna jump right into it; the first one is something that people do wrong and that is T-Rex arms. I’m gonna illustrate this with the story because I think it’s the easiest way and it was one of the most vivid ways which I learned it. I was in Las Vegas with a friend of mine.
I lived there; he came in to visit and if you’ve ever been to a Las Vegas Club, it can be overwhelming. So we got into this club, it was just the two of us, were not drinking, and he’s not from there so, instantly, I see his body language lock down and he starts to get uncomfortable. To his credit, he starts to walk up, he sees a group of women, he walks up and says hello, and it didn’t go well; his lack of confidence shines through and they disappear within pretty much 15-30 seconds.
So I said, “It’s alright, man. Don’t sweat it. We’ll have fun on the dance floor.” We go to the dance floor and the same lack of confidence is shining through; he’s not moving very much. He’s kind of dancing in this little box like a T-Rex.
So I say, “Hey, lift your elbows off of your ribcage. Be a little bit more expansive, be expressive, and just dance as goofy as you can.” Now, this is silly but he does it and he looks goofy for a minute but really, two things happen. First off, because there’s a feedback loop with the way your body works and the way your mind works, as he starts to move in a more expansive way, he starts to feel more confident.
And I’m sure you’ve experienced the same thing or perhaps the reverse when you walk around like this. The second thing that happened is that people started to notice him on the dance floor and we started dancing with some people. Not only that, when we went off the dance floor he maintained those kind of expansive gestures — the pointing like this, moving around, not having his elbows glued to his side… And the next group of women that we spoke to, we wound up hanging out with for the rest of the night in the club and he did that because not only did they see that he was more confident but he felt it too so use expansive gestures no matter where you are. So if you see a friend, you could say, “Hey, what’s up?” or you’d say, “What’s up, man?” That’s an expanse gesture.
If Somebody asks you for directions, you could say, “Hey, I think it’s that way,” or you could say, “I think it’s that way.” That is an expansive gesture and it’s going to do much more to make you be perceived as confident and of course, attractive. The second thing, again, that people do wrong is seeking behavior.
The classic seeking behavior, you may have seen in a bar, is two guys standing at a bar and they’re buddies and you could tell because they’re close to each other but they’re not looking at each other; they’re looking out there. And what they’re broadcasting to the world as they peer is that the fun is not here. The fun, the interesting thing, or whatever it is that they’re looking for is outside of themselves and that is an incredibly unattractive thing to broadcast. Contrast that with magnetic body language and what magnetic body language is telling other people before I kind of show you what it might be is that the fun is where you are because we all are very, very finely socially attuned people and when we’re out at a bar or a party or club or any kind of social setting, we tend to want to know where the fun is and then we put ourselves near that. So fun would be facing the person that you play here.
When you’re in conversation with them not looking over your shoulder trying to find something more interesting to do but being engaged in that conversation, using your expansive body language, laughing loudly, and having a good time. Now, I’m not saying to fake this stuff; I’m saying to actually do it. And in fact, it doesn’t have to just be with your group of friends.
Something else that I see in terms of body language is people will kind of walk around spaces during parties, clubs, bars, or whatever almost as if they were looking for something and they do loops and I’m guilty of this myself. Instead, have fun with whoever you are near; whoever’s there, strike up a conversation. Say hello — whatever it takes — because that is magnetic. And when you start pulling people into that group, amazing things happen. A quick story to illustrate this — many years ago when I lived in New York City, Ben who was my best friend and my co-founder was an investment banker.
And they worked a lot of hours so he got one night off; he and his buddies went out to a club and they were so happy to be there. They were extremely excited, they were laughing, talking to each other, having a great time and people noticed. So what Ben did, because he was just having a great time, was as people kinda overheard their conversation and chimed in and he would bring them into the conversation so that started to grow. He went to the bathroom. If he was standing in line for the bathroom, perhaps somebody was standing in line at the bathroom just kind of quietly and because he was in such a good mood, he started including them as well; he’d bring them back. In this way, he started to grow this core group until somebody came up to him and said, “Hey, are you working?”
and he said, “No, I’m not working. If I was working I wouldn’t be here.” The guy said, “Oh. Sorry, man.
I thought that you were a club promoter just based on the amount of people that you had here.” Since you’re not, maybe you want to come out with me.” He gave his card and this wound up being someone that we went out with for probably the next year to the best clubs in New York City, we got in for free, we cut the line, and we were drinking at the time because we were young twenties, and we got free alcohol as well.
The point of this is this is a body language thing is a talking thing but it’s — don’t look and behave and act and feel wherever you are as if the fun is out there. Have fun with whoever is nearby. So just think, if you’re ever being bored standing in line waiting for the cashier or wherever, make sure that in your immediate periphery, there’s always someone around you, strike up a conversation with them, do your expansive body language all that kind of stuff, and this is going to make people who can’t even hear your conversation drawn to you; this is the magnetism we talk about so that is the second thing. The third thing is something that I see particularly, again, in clubs and bars but that’s just where this body language stuff is most pronounced is when groups go out because groups of guys tend to go out with groups of guys and groups of women tend to go out with groups of women and what happens is, when they meet, they stay in the group. You’ve got a group of three guys lined up over here and the girls lined up over here and it looks like a sixth-grade dance where they’re just both standing against the wall waiting for somebody cross over.
Even if that conversation goes well, it can feel like two groups are kind of interrogating or interviewing each other. A much more powerful body language thing that you can do is to stagger this to boy-girl, boy-girl, and boy-girl. How do you do this?
It’s actually very simple. When you walk up to a group with your buddies — you say hello and you’re introducing yourselves — a very simple thing that you can do is just as you’re shaking hands to step in and stand next to as opposed to across from the person that you said hi to to make room for your friends who might be saying hi as well. If that’s not something that you’re comfortable with or that doesn’t happen the beginning of the conversation, again, very simple — just wait until you guys have been talking and if you notice that this happens, say, “Hold on. This feels like we’re at a sixth-grade dance with all the boys on one wall and all the girls at the other; let’s stagger this,” and you can just move yourself over, “Go here.
Okay, here. Better. Now we look and feel like a group of friends,” and people will laugh because it’s funny and it’s true and then you’re out there and you’re doing it.
So that will change the dynamic of the group and you can have the same conversation and it’s going to go much better and you’ll be perceived as more attractive for being a leader and for setting that up. Those are the three subtle things but I’d be remiss if I didn’t do one more perhaps more obvious thing but you got to include it in body language and it’s smiling. This is the simplest thing to make — you’ll be perceived as more attractive, friendlier, and more approachable. We’ve got a video on the perfect smile; I won’t go into it in detail here but I couldn’t leave out of this video.
All of these things fall under the realm of things that typically high self-esteem people do fairly naturally and while you can start to layer the behaviors on before the self-esteem is there, it’s helpful to take a two-pronged approach, right? But the behaviors on, you can fake it until you make it but also begin to develop that self-esteem internally which is why I want to recommend, thanks to our sponsor for this video — Audible — the audiobook Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. And when you sign up for a free 30-day trial of Audible today via our link audible.com/charisma, you can go and get that audiobook Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. It is absolutely amazing; it’s one of my favorite books — it’s my top two or three favorite books in my life — I highly recommend it and you can listen to it which is a nice thing on your way to work, on your commute, or wherever you are, if you take this free trial with Audible. Get that book plus they’ve got a huge library of other audiobooks that you can listen to no matter where you are in the world so if you want to get that 30-day free trial, just go to audible.com/charisma or you can actually text “charisma” to 500-500 to get started.
Thank you to our sponsor, Audible, for allowing us to make this video. I hope that you guys enjoyed it. If you have any questions, go ahead and leave them in the comments below. And if you want to see more like this make sure to subscribe and of course to hit that notification bell so you don’t miss any other tips. Have a happy and wonderful Valentine’s Day and no matter who you’re with, be magnetic and have a good time with the people around and I’ll see you in the next video.